Parshas Haazenu and Yom Kippur

" They must be terrorists or mafia : They just destroyed that man's
house."
" I guess that you didn't hear: He wanted to knock down his house to
build a duplex for his children to live next to him."

"The Rock (G-d), His acts are perfect, all of His ways are just."
(Divorim 32:4) Often we may think that His actions are unfair. We must
always remember that His ways are perfect and just: We are too limited to
have G-d's perspective.

Have a great Shabbos and meaningful Yom Kippur !!

Rabbi Chaim Flom
__________________________________________________

I thank you, Rabbi Flom!
That d'var torah was so bashert that I received it now of all times.
While mentoring a teen who's been severely hurt, I couldn't help but think
"how can G-d do this to her?"
Thank you for reminding me of the Torah perspective.
Gmar Chasima Tova!
~Chanie

Dear Chanie,
Thanks for the note.
I would just like to elaborate on a couple of points. Never allow the concept of "bashert" to prevent you from doing something. ie. If someone is being abused, you must do whatever is in your capabilities to stop it.Either on your own, if you are able to, or going to someone who can. (Obviously, in order to declare that it is 100% a problem, you have to know it 100%. If you are not 100% sure,but have a reasonable suspicion,you can go to a Rov, and explain why you think there is a problem.)
I'm going to go on a little tangent,for all of those who might read this letter, but it is quite important. For those in shidduchim(regardless of using a shadchan or not, or even those who have "friends")if the one you are going out with is abusive, PHYSICALLY,VERBALLY, or PSYCHOLOGICALLY, DROP HIM/HER!!!!!! He/she can be the nicest, coolest (for lack of a better word) or whatever, --abusive behavior is not acceptable and doesn't go away on its own,it only escalates. Never allow good traits to override unacceptable ones.
I hope that things I wrote are helpful to you and anyone else reading this.
Take care.
Rabbi Flom

Rabbi Flom,
What is your take on "control freaks"? (Someone who always has to have his way)
Thanks.
Lynn

Dear Lynn,
Thanks for the question.
There are different levels of control. There are people who, as you wrote, always have to have their way. It is a pretty lousy trait, but there are those willing to live with that. Either because they don't like having to make decisions, or because the spouse provides them with all of their needs etc. Most people can't live with a spouse like that. However as one lady who was married to a very wealthy lawyer, who had all material possessions said " I have everything in the world except for an opinion." If you can't live like that, DON'T MARRY HIM !!
There is another Mr. Control (they are closely related)who always suspects his wife of not towing the line, and always makes sure that she tows the line. He's the one always interrogating her to see who called her today, and does a lot of bullying. Someone I know,is married to someone like that. When she doesn't do what Mr. Control wants, he doesn't talk to her for 3 days!! Even if you think you can live like that, you can't!! Don't marry him !!!
I am a believer in therapy, but never get married assuming you are going to change a person or that they will change. In character traits, religiousity, or interests, USUALLY the changes don't happen after you are married. (I know someone who married an overweight girl,with the understanding that she would shed the excess weight. When she didn't, her response was "obviously, if my being fat really bothered you, you wouldn't have married me."}
All of this is talking about before you get married. After you get married, go for counseling, and take it from there.
I had some "private messages" and emails about "abuse" , so I'll be elaborating on it in the near future.
Take care.
Rabbi Flom

quote:

Originally posted by Rabbi Flom:
Dear Chanie,
Thanks for the note.
I would just like to elaborate on a couple of points. Never allow the concept of "bashert" to prevent you from doing something. ie. If someone is being abused, you must do whatever is in your capabilities to stop it.Either on your own, if you are able to, or going to someone who can. (Obviously, in order to declare that it is 100% a problem, you have to know it 100%. If you are not 100% sure,but have a reasonable suspicion,you can go to a Rov, and explain why you think there is a problem.)
I'm going to go on a little tangent,for all of those who might read this letter, but it is quite important. For those in shidduchim(regardless of using a shadchan or not, or even those who have "friends")if the one you are going out with is abusive, PHYSICALLY,VERBALLY, or PSYCHOLOGICALLY, DROP HIM/HER!!!!!! He/she can be the nicest, coolest (for lack of a better word) or whatever, --abusive behavior is not acceptable and doesn't go away on its own,it only escalates. Never allow good traits to override unacceptable ones.
I hope that things I wrote are helpful to you and anyone else reading this.
Take care.
Rabbi Flom

Because of certain responses that I got, I will make a few clarifications on my letter to Chanie:
First of all I was talking about ABUSE. Not a teacher's or parent's discipline (even if it is a spanking-which I believe is acceptable in certain cases, but can't be abused) unless it is abusive.(If a child misbehaves and the teacher makes him write a punishment, that is fine--if a teacher ranks out a student on a daily basis in front of the class, that is psychological abuse. Touching a student's private parts is always abuse.) I was not talking about abrasiveness, nor someone accidentally slamming a door. I am talking ABUSE !!! I don't think that those things are understood by many to be abuse. Most people have some sort of annoying habit.That is not called abuse. [When you are NOT ANNOYED OR UPSET, speak to your friend (or spouse) about bad habits.]
Also, I never said that abusive behavior (even my definition) can't be changed. I said it "doesn't go away on its own". I do believe in therapy, but it certainly isn't easy.
Abusive behavior is not acceptable, and I would drop him/her. If you realize these problems AFTER marriage, you've got to try therapy, and take it from there.
I hope this answers questions that some people had about my letter.
Rabbi Flom

How do we know when a person close to us, or whom we might consider having closer, is being abusive, or merely abrasive?

Does abuse have to be intentional? Is it usually so?

If I falsely acuse someone of being abusive when in fact they were merely acting in a way that bothered me, but is within societal norms of non-abusive behavior... have I committed an aveira?

If it is true that we have worldwide paranoia over terrorism, or are over-zealous about ostricizing abuseser, and protecting the rights of the abused... is it an aveira to raise the spector of abuse improperly?

quote:

Originally posted by rob:
"How do we know when a person close to us, or whom we might consider having closer, is being abusive, or merely abrasive?

Does abuse have to be intentional? Is it usually so?

If I falsely acuse someone of being abusive when in fact they were merely acting in a way that bothered me, but is within societal norms of non-abusive behavior... have I committed an aveira?

If it is true that we have worldwide paranoia over terrorism, or are over-zealous about ostricizing abuseser, and protecting the rights of the abused... is it an aveira to raise the spector of abuse improperly?

Dear Rob,
I guess sometimes there is just a fine line between abusive and abrasive, but usually the criterea, is does the person do it because he WANTS to hurt you and if told about it still wants to do it, or not.Abrasive could just be bad middos. A borderline case is, sometimes you have a spouse who (tries to be)is funny, and makes his/her spouse the subject of his/her jokes. They don't always realize that it hurts. ("I was just joking" etc. IS NOT AN EXCUSE !!)

We always must abide by laws of shemiras haloshon. If you feel someone is mis-treating you, speak to him. Not publically, nor in anger. Many times in life, a lot of problems can be avoided if we speak to a person we are having problems with.(This is super important in a marriage.) If you are unable to deal with that person directly, go to someone who is careful about loshon hora to help. Obviously, it can't be accepted as true, but definitely it should be looked into. Just like it is forbidden to say something bad about a person sometimes, you are obligated to to speak about people other times.

BY THE WAY- Some people think that the reason some of the infamous "abusers", were able to (and some still) get away with their evil deeds was because of an adherence to laws of loshon hora. WRONG !! As I mentioned there is an obligation to stop PERVERTS. Because of fear of rocking the boat, retribution,etc., or the inability to accept that evil does exist etc., people don't say what they are supposed to say. This happens in all circles of people, not just people concerned with loshon hora. Not just by sexual perverts--look at thieves from Enron etc.
I hope this has been helpful.(I have more to say on this topic, but I'll take a break.)
Take care. Good Shabbos.
Chaim Flom

Dear Rabbi Flom,
As long as you are talking about these matters: An "abuser" that I know was in a very high position in a certain organization--How does that happen?
Lynn

Dear Lynn,
I already mentioned a few factors that cause people not to deal with abusers: Laziness, not wanting to rock the boat, afraid of retribution, not believing that the person could be so bad,etc.
I feel that a little explanation is needed and one more factor be dealt with. We all expect bad people to have horns and pitchforks (ie to look like the devil), but it just isn't true. I've mentioned a number of times that some of the most famous mafioso's relatives were in a great dilemma about inviting them to their houses. If they invited an uncle who was a known murderer to their house, the children would play with a very nice man, and think that murderers are nice people. Adolph Eichmann was a wonderful father. That doesn't mean he was a good person. Just because a person seems nice doesn't contradict the fact that he could be evil.
The next point is that once an organization DOES FIND OUT that the guy is evil, they don't want everyone to find it out, so they just can't (at least they don't think so)fire him, and instead they cover up. As he result he stays on. Unfortunately, the rest is history.
I hope this was satisfactory.
Rabbi Flom