Parshas Vayigash

"I feel so embarrassed. Moishy made a little party in order to give his
quart of ice cream to that poor neighbor's kids. Not only didn't I share
mine with anyone, I finished the whole thing in one sitting and my stomach
ached."

When Yosef "wept aloud" and revealed himself to his brothers "his
brothers couldn't answer him because they were overwhelmed by his presence."
(Biraishis 45:2-3) Rashi explains "overwhelmed because of shame". When they
heard his heartfelt cry and compared it to the heartless treatment they gave
him, they were embarrassed.

Don't do or say things that will make you feel insignificant compared
to others!!

Have a great Shabbos !!

Rabbi Chaim Flom

quote:

Don't do or say things that will make you feel insignificant compared
to others!!

How can one follow this advise when they are prone to not understanding the ramifications of their actions?

To what level of burden should a person reason through the likely consequences of their actions? Even a chess master who in their mind plays out a game several moves in advance, when playing against another chess master at a similar level, one of them is likely to lose the game, by having failed to recognize the consequences of their actions.

Dear Rob,
You got exactly right the point of the dvar Torah: "Think before you do." How much must you think, how far in advance etc.? How do you exactly what other factors will crop up? All of these are valid points. Certainly we can never know all the other factors that will arise, especially the further in advance you plan.
According to Rabbeinu Bachya (Biraishis 46:32) the Avos and sons were shepherds, because they knew that their offspring would be in Egypt, where images of sheep were idols. This way, having worked with sheep (being the family business), they would know that sheep were not gods. That, I call the "200 year plan". I don't know if that is feasible for us. However, how many times do we say something, and as the words leave our mouths, we say "I can't believe I said that"!? That is the "10 second plan". That we should all try to work on.
In my mussar classes I always said that when little kids play football, when a receiver gets clear, he yells to the quarterback to throw him the ball. In high school, college and the pros, it is different. You have a strategy. You plan in advance, that when the receiver gets to the 20 yard line, he cuts left, and the ball will be there. Your chess example is also great. Try to plan in advance. Rav Yisroel Salanter zt"l would say as follows: If a person knows that in situation X he always curses at the person. He should mentally picture that situation and instead of cursing, say "Mary Poppins" !! Run that scene thru your mind 25 times a day for a week, and guess what--you'll probably scream "Mary Poppins". That is the "1 week plan".
Bottom line, we should try our best to think before we do.
Take care.
Rabbi Flom

Dear Rabbi Flom,
In 2 Chumashim I saw the posuk was translated as "they were afraid" and you wrote "overwhelmed"--where did you get that translation?
Thank you.
Eli Mermelstein

quote:

Try to plan in advance. Rav Yisroel Salanter zt"l would say as follows: If a person knows that in situation X he always curses at the person. He should mentally picture that situation and instead of cursing, say "Mary Poppins" !! Run that scene thru your mind 25 times a day for a week, and guess what--you'll probably scream "Mary Poppins". That is the "1 week plan".
Bottom line, we should try our best to think before we do.
Take care.
Rabbi Flom

In Mishlei (I believe, I'll have to check the reference), it says that Man prepares the heart, but the words are from HaShem. Perhaps we need to uncover the point of defect deep down, and deal with that, and then our words will be commensurately pure.

Dear April,
Improving one's self is a long continuous process. Certainly a bad trait that one has, one has to try to get rid of. How does one do that? It is a multi-faceted process. As you said, one must try to find the source of the problem, understand why it is bad, and deal with it. However, a very strong impact on a person is their action or purposely not acting. For example, if one is stingy, he must try understanding why, why it's bad etc.. But a key element in overcoming stinginess is forcing yourself to give. Similarly ANY trait that is negative, you have to work on it with all the weapons you have. Intellectually, emotionally, and physically.In mussar, we refer to working on one's self internally and externally.
Thanks.
Chaim Flom

Dear Eli,
There is an argument amongst the commentaries if the brothers were "afraid of Yosef" or "embarrassed in front of Yosef". Had I translated it as "afraid" then Rashi's comment of "shame" wouldn't follow. Therefore I wanted to use a term that in theory could mean either."Bihala" is confusion, but "overwhelmed" in this sentence works better.
Thanks for the question.
Rabbi Flom

Dear Rabbi Flom,
That was an amazing pshat. I always thought that "they were embarrassed" meant that they realized that they did something wrong, like the kid who's hand is in the cookie jar when his mom comes home. How did you make the comparison to Yosef?
Tzivy

Dear Tzivy,
Thanks.
I always did learn the conventional way as you understood it. However, I saw two things that led me to this idea. First of all, the Siredei Aish says something like this, but I thought that it was quite radical. Then I saw the commentaries on Rashi asked how does Rashi know that the brothers were embarrassed in front of Yosef, maybe they were afraid of what he would do? Some answer that when they heard Yosef's heartfelt cries, they knew he wouldn't hurt them. So that set me up for the brothers' looking at themselves compared to Yosef.
Take care.
Rabbi Flom

Thanks Rabbi Flom. Actually, I was hoping someone would respond with the corollary to my original reference (which was Mishlei 16:1), also from Mishlei (16:3) "Turn your deeds towards HaShem, and your thoughts will be rectified." It cuts both ways, just as you have said. Unlike the psychological approach that frequently seems to encourage people to bog themselves down in the mire of their problems and the sources of those problems, without offering a real solution, and also unlike the other common approach of *merely* making surface alterations in behavior, in which case, the negative trait simply regrows from the root, in another form or in another "location" of our relating to people, the Torah offers us the comprehensive plan.

quote:

Originally posted by Rabbi Flom:
Dear April,
Improving one's self is a long continuous process. Certainly a bad trait that one has, one has to try to get rid of. How does one do that? It is a multi-faceted process. As you said, one must try to find the source of the problem, understand why it is bad, and deal with it. However, a very strong impact on a person is their action or purposely not acting. For example, if one is stingy, he must try understanding why, why it's bad etc.. But a key element in overcoming stinginess is forcing yourself to give. Similarly ANY trait that is negative, you have to work on it with all the weapons you have. Intellectually, emotionally, and physically.In mussar, we refer to working on one's self internally and externally.
Thanks.
Chaim Flom