There are many issues regarding Shidduchim that people really need to understand what they are, as there are many.

I find, from what I've been told and from reliable sources, that Shadchanim will at times listen to one of the parties involved. Then they'll take what they heard, let's say from the girl, and then use it without contacting the man to check out his side of the story.

I could go on, but I'm sure there are many on here that have their input too.

In such a circumstance, if the girl's concern were credible, do you think it is permissible for the shadchan to be warned (and warning others) about the possibility it might be true even without asking the man about it?

Halachically, is the shadchan permitted to keep this information secret for fear of embarassing someone?

I wonder what procedures a man would have if the above is permissible or common to discover the information, and then get some mediation assistance to clarify whatever things are resulting in a misunderstanding, so there is no need to warn others in the future?

It can happen both ways, and where the Shadchan BELIEVES ONE side and doesn't find out what the OTHER sides story is - that is what I'm talking about. Where shadchanim are in control and do what they want - they can and have and do ruin lives.

I think that many shadchanim - shouldn't be one. I know many excellent ones too. I'm not talking about those, the one's that love the power, they need to be careful in what they do.

And what about the UNREALISTIC expectations of girls today?

Well now sam, youve opened up another can of worms with that comment... what exactly do you consider UNREALISTIC expectatations that girls have?

Im extremely curious...

I notice my thread has been deleted. Was it that provocative? I think if we are not willing to face the truth, as a community, our shidduch problems will only get worse, not better. I'm not sure I have the right answer but we, as a community can do much better.

In response to Rob; a good shadchan will create a good profile of the prospective people. A better shadchan would even ask for potential liabilities and baggage, so it's all upfront. Once lashon hara starts there is no stopping it...mediation or not, because you can be sure it will get repeated and propagated. Nowadays, most people who have done anything of substance will end up with their names on the internet. A casual search will bring up all sorts of information, some of it could be inaccurate. So all this is stuff that can be addressed ahead of time. In a shidduch situation, the one who is propagating lashon hara will have difficulty taking it back once it proves not to be true. So once lashon hara has started, forget it....that particular deal is dead. A good shadchan looks to bring two good Jews together. He or she tries to extend to both of them the benefit of the doubt...minimize the bad to one and get explanations from the other. The lashon hara is very destructive because it spills over into the ears of people who don't even have any business hearing the juicy stuff about anyone...and it continues.

UN-Realisitic expectations that girls have - well, when the focus is MOSTLY on physical and monetary attributes and less on they are as a person, and what the shadchans opinion is, and not finding out for themself.... out the perfect boy in their eyes - and they won't settle for less.

As mentioned earlier, the issue of Loshon Hara, when parties involved are not careful with what they say, they are in consort to making sure that a given potential marriage not happen.

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In such a circumstance, if the girl's concern were credible, do you think it is permissible for the shadchan to be warned (and warning others) about the possibility it might be true even without asking the man about it?

Halachically, is the shadchan permitted to keep this information secret for fear of embarassing someone?

There are very clear cut halachas about what may and may not be told for shidduchim. I recommend the Chofetz Chaim: A Daily Companion, which has a few pages at the back detailing what must be told, what must not be told and what may be told and how and when.

AFAIK, a person should NOT tell the shadchan the reason why they are turning down the boy/girl.

When the Shadchan is the one in power the situation is not as easy as you make it out to be. Shadchanim need to understand that, and not be overbearing, and let the boy and girl be in control too.

Maybe shadchanim and they families need a forum for dispute resolution. If there was a hechsher system for shadchanim people could go back to the supervising rav to discuss and paskin a resolution. People would gravitate to shadchanim that used rabonim that they could relate to and share there level of observance and other consideration.

Hechsher system? And what if one doesn't hold of a particular Rabbi who is supervising this shadchans? Soon, there will be different levels of Kashrus and it will create a lot of problems!

Pirkei Avos is very clear "make for yourself a rov and find a friend". A rov is an absolute necessity for observance.
I also don't believe that there are not already different levels of observance which is a problem if you are working with a shadchan and you don't understand where they stand or which segment of the community they are actually serving.
Honesty and accountability was what I hoped we could gain by helsher or some other form of communal accountability for shadchanim

And, will people negate potential shidduchim by shadchanim just because they have a certain Rabbis "hechsher" which they don't hold of?

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When the Shadchan is the one in power the situation is not as easy as you make it out to be. Shadchanim need to understand that, and not be overbearing, and let the boy and girl be in control too.

Was this comment directed to me?

Shadchanim are notorious for being dishonest. And while nobody likes being lied to and deceived, many people are married today precisely because the shadchanim lied to them! I don't think this justifies the shadchan's behaviour (the end does not justify the means!) however, it is something to think about when discussing it.

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Originally posted by Gila:

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When the Shadchan is the one in power the situation is not as easy as you make it out to be. Shadchanim need to understand that, and not be overbearing, and let the boy and girl be in control too.

Was this comment directed to me?

Yes, Gila, I was responding to what you said.

quote:

Originally posted by Gila:
Shadchanim are notorious for being dishonest. And while nobody likes being lied to and deceived, many people are married today precisely because the shadchanim lied to them!

And, this probably accounts for a large percentage of divorces too.

You're right sam-, shadchanim need to know the halachos of shemiras halashon and should not pressure a boy or girl to say things that are halachically forbidden.

Sometimes the shadchanim themselves propagate a lot of gossip and justify it by saying it is allowed for shidduch purposes. but even then, there are strict guidelines for passing information that might otherwise be lashon hara. Unfortunately, anyone can be shadchan and some are just scamming people.

And it's the shadchanim who make up what "girls are looking for today". Then they have meetings and seminars to diseminate that information, all in the setting of "aiming to get more girls and boys married". It's a sad, sad, situation.

Rabbanim should be in charge! Just like restaurants have a hechsher for food and supervision, so too, shadchanim need it!!!!