I realize I am opening a can of worms here-- but lately I am more and more convinced that less is in my control or "free will" than I had arrogantly believed in my youth. Many areas of my life have cycled through where I can clearly see where HaSh-m has brought me back to precisely the same places where I have made poor decisions in the past. This time, keenly aware of their poor outcomes, I am making very conscious decisions not to repeat past mistakes, remaining cognizant of not only thier outcomes but of the impressionability of my little ones.

This brings me to some very deep and existential questions of the nature of things-- or rather the nature of HaSh-m's universe and He Himself.

It seems obvious to me that there are things He has written for me to do in my life-- DESPITE myself. So now I am submitting to plans that presented themselves to me before. So, essentially He has had me on a very long "tether" of sorts, while I floundered around and "did my own thing". Now that I realize that I have been wasting valuable time, I am embracing those things formerly rejected, be they ideas on the nature of things, or actions I should've taken long ago.

In the midst of this, the questions arise:

How does one know what is written, and what is left up to my choice? How do I knwo what things to pray to change, and when to accept what is given in a circumstance? Especially when neither outcome is necessarily "against Torah" so the correct direction is unclear?

Moreover, when is it time to press on through difficulties in order to achieve a percieved goal, and when it is time to accept that HaSh-m "isn't in" my bright idea? These are areas of wisdom I have yet to develop properly, and therefore I vacillate without clear "signs or signals" from Him-- which strike me as a very spiritually immature approach to discerning His will.

Which brings me to another thought which is frustrating for me:

The realization that I am "bright enough" to realize all this, and yet, not quite on the ball enough to figure out what to do about it!

Haha! Oy!

The Gemara says that all that really want to be good, the open ways for him to do so. Hashem wants our hearts to be in the right place. Our choices are for the most part are based on what we have in our hearts. Hashem detects what we really want and leads us in that direction.

http://limudtorah.jewishweb.org

http://globalyeshiva.com/eve/forums?a=frm&f=9291076782

Then I will wait for doors to open.....

I wouldn't wait for things to happen. We are obligated to do as much as we can ourselves. If we see that there is helping from Hashem on our efforts, this shows his directing us towards our goals